Scottish Humor

I love Scottish humor. This is from a show called Chewin The Fat. However I should probably translate. Wean is a child. Fags are cigarettes. And when she speaks quickly she says: Attention please. Is there maybe someone who's no got what they come in with. Who's maybe missing something. Maybe a wean or something.
I had to listen to it a few times to get it all.

The next one is even harder to understand. Tayside is the central lowlands area. The lowlands is where the Scots dialect comes from. I'm always looking up words in Scots from bagpipe music.